Widowhood

WORKSHOP BY WOMEN OF DIVINE LOVE-IPAJA DENEARY

THEME: SINGLE PARENTING IN A DEPRESSED  ECONOMY

By Mrs May Ohaedoghasi ,email: mayohai35@gmail.com

Preview

This topic has been a regular feature in our seminars in the Archdiocese and bringing it up again as a key issue in our deanery workshop underscores its importance in the life of our members. Parenting, we all know is a daunting task in every part of the world and so facing that duty meant for two people, alone is quite something that will require every form of assistance and empowerment that can be garnered. And this is particularly so in a depressed economy like ours where greed, the love of self, lack of good planning and the debt of social security have all added up to impoverish almost everyone in the society. But even at this, there are different categories of single parents and we will do well to specify the group we are actually focusing on.

Single Parents

Single parents are as the name specifies: parents- either male or female- who are alone in the task of raising their children. Male and female, fathers and mothers have specific roles in the homes with regards to children upbringing and that are in line with their gender traits and specificity. The males usually make more money to pay the bills and exhibit ‘tough love’ which are sometimes needful in marching tenderness with discipline; while the women cuddle more and usually have more time to impart the basic needs of nurturance and character formation. Together, the parents should not only produce seeds in their marriage but also make sure that those seeds meet the standard with regards to emotional, physical, social and spiritual requirements that every individual needs to live a normal life.

 And so, when one of the parents is absent due life issues like death or separation, a vacuum is created which exerts significant impact on the life of the deprived family depending on the capability of the remnant parent, the age of the children, the social status of the family, the level of support system available to them and other psycho-spiritual empowerment they are able to employ to bridge the gap in their life.

For our group, Women Of Divine Love, we are focused on widows and abandoned mothers who are on board or willing boarders who want to partake in the movement of using our resources to recover from a life of bitterness, grief and self pity, to that of self dependency, contentment and peace and even transcend this basic social adjustment to that of intimacy with the divine where His promises are explored and enjoyed and the responsibilities of divine fruitfulness embraced. Experiences gathered have shown that mothers cannot do justice to this state of single life without a solid frame of mind.

Solid Frame of Mind

Many alone mothers are too stressed up to think and plan clearly and embrace their status with equanimity. They continue to live in denial and isolation, pose a façade of wellbeing and pretend that they are okay for myriads of reasons ranging from escape from undue pity or societal subjugation, reluctance to accept the fact on ground and unwillingness to adjust and move on.  Some are always despondent, blaming everyone and everything around them. Those ones are best described with the words of Amos concerning Israel thus; “Virgin Israel has fallen. She lies abandoned on the ground and no one helps her up” (Amos 5:2). Oh no, The Lords says to all who live such a life; “Come to me and you will live”  (Amos5;4)That is why He said; ‘’My grace is sufficient for thee for my strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9 , ICor.10:13.)

  

Again, some widows do not want to be part of any grouping that may query their motives and actions in life should they decide to live a life of ‘dirty shade of grey’: they want to maintain their positions in the church and community while keeping their secret affairs for whatever gains it affords them. While not intending to judge anyone here, we do not hide the fact that, just as the Lord said in Rev 3:15, a double-minded person cannot make meaningful progress in any worthwhile venture. She may tag along, striving to survive one crisis situation or another. A widow or abandoned mother who wants to cope well in a depressed, chauvinistic society like ours need God’s help in its full measure and you cannot get it if you are not totally in His camp.

Women Of Divine Love

A true woman of divine love must recover from the grief stages of shock, denial, isolation, frequent cries, blame, anger and depression, to that of acceptance and renewed vigor to face the challenges ahead. She has settled the issue in her mind that no man should contend with the Almighty(Job40:2) and ‘forgive’ God for making her a widow or allowing her to go through abandonment and focus on His promises to always be there for her and her children.

She has come to know that she needs another kind of marriage, a marriage with the divine that had been initiated for her at baptism and now waiting to be embraced more intimately.  The Lord Himself lures her with the beautiful words of Solomon thus; ‘’Come then my love, my darling come with me. You are like a dove that hides in the crevice of a rock’’(Sgs13b-14a).If she is smart enough to answer to this special lure, she will, like many have done in our group enter a new and deeper kind of divine marriage. In this new marriage she will always here the Lord say,’’ “ My sweetheart, my bride is a secret garden, a walled garden, a private spring; there the plants flourish. Myrrh and aloe grow there with all the most fragrant perfume.

 Fountains water the garden, streams of flowing water.(Sgs4:12-15)

 Intimacy with God demands a certain level of detachment from the world and an embrace that is private and somewhat secluded. With that frame of mind, worshipping God will not just be a ceremonial thing but a heart-to- heart sharing that communicates in-depth feelings and listens for guidance; a heart that trusts Him who says; I am the husband of the widows, their defender and protector, and the father of the fatherless; one who lives a garden life whose plants must flourish because they will be watered by streams of flowing water and whose fruits and flowers should exude beautiful perfumes that not only makes the society ‘smell’ good, but also sanitizes and preserves it like the aloes does.  Each time she feels lonely, she will know that God is calling her to have a quiet time with Him.

She has to face the reality of a new life status if circumstances warrant that and lovingly communicate same to her children so that they can team together in love and agreement in making the necessary life changes which must also include changing the circle of friends to the ones that will not continue to make her ache for her past life. And the best way to make this new set of friends is to join a support group that will preach the principles she now wants to abide by. WDL does not hide the fact chastity, sharing in love with no regard for class distinction are high in their scale of practices. We need to move as a team in life to be able to face the challenges that life throws at us and the quality of the company counts a lot.

Depressed Economy

A ‘depressed economy’ is an economy which experiences a prolonged period of recession, or a significant and prolonged downturn in the economy. Characteristics of an economic depression include declining business activities, falling prices, rising unemployment, increasing inventories, public fear and panic. In the case of Nigeria, hyper-inflation amidst the scarcity of money and massive youth unemployment make our case almost critical.

In this scenario, feeding the children well, getting enough funds to send them  to good schools, protecting them from negative peer pressure since a lot of youths hang around idly, influencing and being influenced by social miscreants, become daunting indeed.

Lifestyle Matters

And so, a single mother in this society needs to buckle up on all fronts, discard all self pity and the expectation that some relations will help, and get busy with marching effective hard work and creating qualitative time for good parenting. She needs to be focused, learn Emotional intelligent skills that will help her read and nurture her children, be smart about getting the best of her needs at the least prices and definitely cut her coat according to her cloth. For those who do not know God , I honestly don’t know what to recommend as their backbone besides their strength of character, but for genuine women of divine love, divine prescriptions and provisions abound and we will pick a few in the next subsection.

Children   Upbringing

Having accepted her cross (and the joys that can accrue from it), she must also embrace the fact that aloneness does not preclude her from bringing up qualitative children and young adults who must compete favourably with others in the global community. To that effect, she take seriously the Lord’s advice which Solomon put together for us thus; If you do not know most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep (or the trail of my flock NLT) and graze your young (ones) by the tents of the shepherds’’ Sgs1:8  She certainly will need this admonition in a depressed economy and in a world that continues to grow less human and more individualistic. 

Stay close to God and The Church

A single parent that loves her children should, from infancy, take them ‘close to the shepherd’s tent—the house of God where they will be grounded in the word of God. The All knowing God knows what is at stake and says I am the ‘‘Father of the fatherless’’(Ps68:5-6), and Jesus seals it up by his demand;

 “Let the children come to me, and do not stop them, because the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. (Mark 10:14).

 So He expects parents not only to allow the children to come to Him, but to actually lead them through baptism to be initiated into the family of God.

A child can learn from an early age to say no to evil thoughts and associations and yes to a holy life, and where he is confused, he can run to his parent and teachers for clarification. He must from an early age appreciate that our Lord is his best friend who he can always talk to in prayers and he should dispose himself to learning more about this friend by reading good religious books, attending bible studies and being regular at church. He must always remember these precious words of longing by our Lord telling him to get toughened up and come so that the foxes don’t ruin their friendship;

 “Catch the foxes, the little foxes, before they ruin our vineyard in bloom’’(Sgs2:15)

No Fear

Fear should not be preached at home all the time as if the world is a war zone that must be conquered. I say this because a lot of single mothers live in constant fear because of some bad experiences they must have had and so transfer that to the children, feeding them with hatred for people and institutions that have faulted them. That was also why I stressed that single parents must get healed psychologically, strengthen their frame of mind and cling to their divine in love and trust so that they can transfer the treasures, not poisons, they have to their children.

Be Knowleadgeable

In the midst of bonding and nurturing the children they should also know some Divine instructions and consequences so that they don’t ignorantly fall prey to disordered lives. The Word of God has stated clearly that He is the father of the fatherless and he means it.(Ps68:5-6). The children should know that the Almighty does not lie, but only requires that we know those promises, claim them, invoke them, trust God and behave like a true son to Him. The Word also states that we should honour our mother and father that it might be well with us and our days may be long (Dt 5:16). You can rephrase the statement to read, “If you do not honour your parents it might not go well with you”. Do I therefore need to add that all those who have erred in this regard should repent and pray to have that curse removed from their heads? Most if not all of us need this cleansing and failure to carry it out might be part of the cause of chaos we have in the world now.

Be Health Conscious

Everyone, more so, single parents need to go back to eating natural foods that cost less and nourish more to maintain health at home. Using the likes of Moringa leaves, Sesame seeds, Basil leaves, Potatoes, and frequently using fresh raw tomatoes and Spinach to eat bread, places the family higher in good health than eating a lot of processed foods like noodles and pastries even if eaten with a lot of meat. Using Mosquito nets around the house will save a lot of money that would be used in treating malaria disease from mosquito bites; so will the use of boiled or treated water and other hygienic practices drastically reduce medical bills. For chronic, age related diseases like Arthritis, high blood pressure and diabetes, regular medical check up, appropriate use of medication and the complementary use of standardized herbs and supplements will optimize the care you receive and your length of days. I give God the glory about our organic interventions in my pharmacy and organic shop: the body system is easily alkalanised making it unfavourable for many diseases including cancer to thrive; the organs like the liver, kidney, blood vessels and colon are detoxified and the lactic acid that accumulate and stiffen the joints are cleared eliminating toxins that otherwise, would give rise to various diseases. Tumeric enhanced with other spices like black pepper, Rosemary, Whole lemon powder, Xylopia pods and so on, are excellent detox herbs just as pawpaw leaves and seeds, bitter leaf, avocado leaves and seeds, sour sop leaves, guava and Newboldia leaves are only but some of the herbs that can keep you healthy and away from the hospitals if used in the right doses and condition( browse the internet or check my blogspot:mayohaiworks.blogspot.com). Aged people with Alzeilmher’s disease are responding positively to our interventions. Don’t let anyone give a discharge notice that your case is incurable without shouting out to the right places.

All Hands On Deck

Everyone, boys and girls, at home must partake in the domestic work and where applicable, in the family business so that the value of hard work, sense of responsibility and humility are ingrained in the young ones. They will be needing it all their lives. There is the conscious and unconscious trend of letting the female children do all the house chores while the boys are allowed to laze around, with the perception that domestic work is for women. This is an unfair and unwise attitude that should be changed because the boys need these skills to be able to help out in their own homes, when they have one, it will increase their sensitivity quotient towards in life generally as they will better appreciate the effort that goes into running a home, and they will not grow up thinking that the world owes them a duty to serve them when their sisters and mothers are no longer around to do so. Besides, what you master, you conquer.

Stay In Charge

I must also emphasis that the mother must not relinquish her authority to any of the children, even if he or she becomes the bread winner, and never should you exhibit favoritism to any of the children. They are both tantamount to shooting.

 yourself in the leg because you will lose your right to counsel and correct, and with the later case, create hatred and division in the home.

 I have widow friend who allowed her son to take charge of the home in terms of decision taking that she literally fears the son and goes into hiding whenever he raises his voice which is often. She was always at logger heads with one of her in-laws when newly lost her husband, so much so that she was always screaming and cursing the man for his unjust treatments and so on. The sons were privy to this and gradually were drawn to her defense and constant fight with their troublesome uncle. With that scenario, the sons grew up with so much aggression that one can hardly stay near them without having a feeling of anger and hatred in the air: they became slavish to these negative emotions and became a terror even to their mother, subconsciously. The woman now lives in fear, denial and defense as the grown boys continue to assert their authority and supposed protective tendencies.

Increase Finances

Finances can always be increased if you avail yourself of the opportunities in your environment and try to fill some vacuum in human needs instead of tagging along in a business that is easy but yields very little. There will always be need for pre-packed bean flour for moi-moi (bean cakes) and akara, ground plantain and millet or cocoyam flour, hygienically prepared zobo(sorrel) and chapman drinks, packed ogi(fermented corn) paste and of course fashion designing and so on. These are everyday needs and if you do them well, you won’t lack customers.

As for the financing, a lot of people approach some cooperate group or banks for loans but make sure you read all the terms, conditions and clauses and ask for hidden charges. This is to prevent having to be working principally for your creditors. Many have not been able to come out from that trap. That is precisely why we preach savings as a lifestyle even when things are rosy; that habit is a constant life saver both for you and people that you may save with it tomorrow. Nothing is as reassuring as having your savings for tomorrows eventualities.  WDL has mandated all parish group to start a saving club: club 200, 500,and 1000 for members to save up the amount they belong to every working day without missing for a minimum of 3 months duration before disbursing or rolling over. The blessings that come from even the obedience alone have turned some members into home owners.

The Lord Plays His Role

In all of these, if the Lord does not build the house, the builder builds in vain(Ps 127). And that same Psalm states that children are a gift from the Lord. You need to clutch at this promise if any of your children is going astray or causing you heart ache. Again ,The Psalmist makes it clear that the righteous do not lack when times are hard, because their trust in God make them give out of the little they have on a constant basis(Psalm37:19,25-26). And I personally love the promises in John chapter 15 verses 1-7; 16 where The Lord promises that if we abide in Him and allow His words to abide in us, the answer to our prayers is a done deal. Again, the Lord Of Host says:

            ‘’Do not be afraid—I will save you,

            I have called you by name—you are mine,

            When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you;

            Your troubles will not overwhelm you;

            When you pass through fire, you will not be burnt;

            The hard trials that come will not hurt you.                                   

            For I am the Lord, your God,

            The holy God of Israel, who saves you

            I will give up whole nations to save your life,

Because you are precious to me

And because I love you and give you honour;

Do not be afraid—I am with you!  (Isaiah43:1-5)

 It is when there is a habit of family prayers and Bible sharing that these divine treasures are easily explained and implanted in the minds of the young ones. And for as long as the parent is not speaking from two sides of the mouth, preaching one thing and doing another, the Lord will perfect your efforts and crown them with success and peace. And in the words again of Solomon, you will exclaim;

            ‘’My lover knows that with him I find contentment and peace’. Sgs 8:10b