True love can be tough or disciplinary:
True love demands reciprocity and faithfulness and where
there is an abuse of privilege or trust, discipline is called to play.
In loving the Israelites, the Almighty did not hide his
anger or tolerate unfaithfulness in a desperate bid to retain the beloved. He
used various ways to discipline them to show that love can be tough or angry
but not over. There must be mutual respect and loyalty in the game.
This discipline enables us to test our ability to quarrel
and make up. That I am in love does not mean that I can’t express myself about
what I am not happy about. What should matter is the way I do it. If every
little offence from my beloved sends me screaming and being violent then I am
not just showing disapproval of the action but displaying some personal
problems such as insecurity, lack of personal control or misdirected
aggression, which I should first deal with before committing myself to someone.
True love discloses its disapproval with respect and decorum and our love should
be able to quarrel maturely and make up in time for it to be sustainable.
Anyone who finds it very difficult to voice the words, “I am sorry” is in a big
mess with his ego while anyone who finds it hard to accept a genuine expressed
apology has no right to expect same from another or even from God. In getting
angry and quarrelling, true love is quick to seek for reconciliation and the
greater lover takes the initiative to sue for peace.
6. True
love is humble and considerate:
The Lord God is the Almighty who can make and unmake but He
didn’t flaunt it before us his creations. He would discuss issues with us with
the hope of making us see reason and work towards correcting what was wrong.
This was made very evident in Isaiah 1:18 when his people had sinned enough to
wear out his patience and incur his wrath. He would be justified if he punished
them but he says, “…come let us reason together…” That means ‘let’s talk about it, let
me tell you where you’ve gone wrong so that you can try and make amends and
lets be friends again. I really am not interested in losing you or quarreling
even though I can very easily replace you’.
It takes humility and a master over one’s ego to do that.
It takes empathy and considerateness to appreciate the shortsightedness and the
reason why the other person does certain things. A true lover can stoop low and
try to uproot the bad weed so that the crop can grow properly. True love does
not show off or unduly display its prowess because it is pre-occupied with
sustaining the relationship. It can stoop to the lowest level to wash the
beloved’s feet.
7. True
love energizes:
The Lord God made the Israelites powerful, gave them all
the encouragement they needed and honored them above all other people. Recall
the story of Moses and Pharaoh of Egypt; that of David and Goliath and the many
battles of the Israelites, which they won against other nations. They were all
won by God’s empowerment of his people. The honor that a loved one acquires is
for the joy of both lovers.
There is no room for unhealthy competition between two
lovers because the achievement of one is for the benefits of both of them and
the one who actually achieved the feat will be ever ready to acknowledge the
positive role played by the partner in the project. True love gives strength to
the beloved, empowers her to achieve her highest potential, is generous to her
and honors her above all else.
8. True
love must be freely expressed:
The Almighty loved His people but He gave us the freedom to
choose to return His love or to waste our love on some less important objects.
Rather than forcing us to love him, he seduces and gently persuades us to
return His love so that we can all mutually benefit from our existence. Where
we oblige and come near to him, there is great rejoicing both here and in
heaven. But when we refuse and choose to go our own ways, he regrettably lets
us be. Love freely expressed also breeds obedience freely given and service
freely rendered which altogether breeds joy for both lovers as against hatred,
slavery and sadness which imposition and subjugation breeds.
True love grants the beloved freedom but expects the
freedom to help build the relationship and not to create issues that will breed
suspicion or neglect. It gives support when it is needed and allows space for
privacy laced with trust when that is needed. There is a popular saying that
underscores this point. It says, “When you love a thing, set it free. If it
comes back to you, then it is yours. If it doesn’t then it was never meant to
be yours”.
9. True
love is unidirectional:
God’s love is unidirectional or object-directed – Him and
His people. When the line is straight and pointed to one direction, the lovers
are able to be absorbed in each other without distraction. That was why at the
beginning of creation, the Lord said “…and the two shall become one”. This
should be because in the erotic kind of love, intimacy completely fuses two
people into one to the exclusion of all else, even though that fusion can then
radiate its love and joy to others around in the agape communitarian love. In
the commandments, it is stated that we shall love the Lord our God above all
else and then our love our neighbors as ourselves. Loving God takes
pre-eminence and raises our level to the supernatural, which then imparts the
grace necessary to share or dissipate part of the love to our neighbors.
So in the love relationship between two adults who are
especially attracted to each other, they are fused together and lifted to a
level a little below the bond between God and us and from there are expected to
love others around them. The real thing actually stems from the Spirit of God
whose fruit is love and then transmits down to the union between man and woman,
then to their immediate offspring and family members and then to others around
until all space is filled.
This is why it is frustrating to love someone without first
drawing near to the utmost love, which is God, or try and squeeze in other
people to the level they are not meant to be. It is like a disjointed chair on
which we can never sit comfortably on.
10. True
love lasts:
The love of God sometimes gets frustrated and angry but it
has withstood the vagaries of time. All other people may feel disgusted and
even lose hope in the person or try to disassociate themselves from that bad
person but true love cannot do that. It is always focused on the tiny speck of
light within the soul of the person which can be rekindled to refine that
person.
This was the case between Monica the Mother of Augustine in
the land of Tagaste, a small town in Numidia, North Africa, not far from Hippo
and her wayward son who was everything that her devout mother detested in a
human being. He left Christianity to practice masochinism, had a live-in lover
who bore him a child and was a drunkard. His case was apparently hopeless but
not to his mother, Monica. Her 13 years of tears and prayers brought back her
son to a life of sanctity and the world was blessed with a St. Augustine. True
love is long-suffering and does not give up easily.
In summary, the art of love may share initial longing and
excitement with infatuation but beyond that and with time, love is most things
infatuation is not. Love develops slowly, produces security, boosts your
self-esteem, motivates positive behavior and selflessness, brings the approval
of family members in most cases, and survives the test of time and ends very
slowly if at all.
On the other hand, infatuation develops rapidly, produces
insecurity, drains you of strength and self-esteem, is selfish and dies quickly.
Love is not blind to realities but can decide to
accommodate them, relies on compatibilities, centers on one person at a time,
controls physical contacts, self-donates and stands in with you even when the
going is tough.
Infatuation ignores realities, does not care about
compatibilities, exploit physical contracts and is always seeking for
self-gratification.
Infatuation is not bad in so far as it can be a pleasant
and enjoyable experience as long as you can recognize it for what it is but you
should try not to base any serious commitment on it. It is a stage that is too
intense to last, and even though they may not know it at the beginning, couples
that marry based on this initial rush find that when the passion dies, there is
nothing left to hold them together. One must let the choking passion simmer
down a bit and take time and space to recognize the good qualities and
shortcomings of a loved one. Six months to a year or even more is necessary to
allow the supposed love to prove itself and mature.
Therefore if we go back to what a definition of love should
be, I will say that IT IS A LEARNED AFFECTIONATE PROCESS WHICH RENDERS TWO
PERSONS ATTRACTIVE TO EACH OTHER, DESIRABLE AND NEEDFUL FOR EACH OTHER
IRRESPECTIVE OF THEIR SHORTCOMINGS. FRIENDSHIP, ASSOCIATION OR IMPULSIVE
EMOTIONAL HIGH MAY SPARK IT OFF BUT THE LONG TERM EFFECT IS CONSTANCY IN
TOGETHERNESS. It is a decision.
Does this happen in marriage or is there more to married
love?
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