The Art of Love
The elementary art of love is learned early in life through
observation of parents and other family members, peers and pictures, by
imitation and practice. A child who grows in a warm and homely environment
where the parents are fond of each other, speak tenderly to and about each
other and bring up the children with affection is more likely to recognize the
true love when he encounters one than another child who did not. The latter
can, however, have the bitter and negative lessons of childhood corrected by a
healthier contact later in life.
1. So
firstly it is important not to be afraid of love
“Perfect love casts out fear”
This assertion was made in 1st John in chapter 4:18 and it supports
our advice not to be afraid of love. The incessant deceits of humans to one
another, the fragrant abuse of the word – love, infancy problems or traumas,
the quest to maintain a supposed beautiful virtue and other personal reasons
have debarred some people from getting into affective relationships. They maintain
a rather cold, detached attitude as if they have no need of others and friendly
relationships. At times, when there are even opportunities of interaction, they
retreat for fear of being too involved. If these defenses are rooted in the
depth of the mind of the person and if there has been no process of healing his
memory, it is easy for the defensive barriers to arise even with regard to God
since genuine love is the same whether to God or man and it is only the heart
that is disposed to receiving love that can truly love another.
Therefore we must open ourselves up, dare to risk being
loved and learn to love in a matured and healthy way. If we progressively free
ourselves and decide to love, we will find true love. Our life can be a deep
bore otherwise.
Take a look at a child and his parents and learn this
lesson properly. A child is given a thing he has never tasted before by his
parent and he simply asks the mum the kind of question my son asked when he was
5 years old, “do I eat it mum?” If she says yes, he simply puts the thing into
his mouth without any thought about danger and zooms off to play. The love in
that child is still pure and is made manifest in his complete trust in those
around him. Little wonder Christ says that rather than deceive any of such
little ones, it is better to tie a stone round one’s neck and get drowned in
the river! Betrayal of true love is a big issue. How beautiful it always is,
when such love is directed at God who we are sure can never betray us. The
consequential intimacy is palpable. Adam and Eve had it before greed,
disobedience and un-repentance instilled fear in them, and Moses too lived out
such love and intimacy, after his initial timidity and fear. He said yes to
God’s call and their friendship gained for him boldness and awe as he went
freely in and out of the clouds.
If therefore your partner or children are scared of you
because of your dominating or intimidating tendency, then you are not promoting
love and should not expect same either from them. The usual reason people do
give us is that fear procures discipline from people. To a point, that may be
true but such discipline should be mixed with gestures of affection when
there’s no reason to instill fear, otherwise you completely create a gulf
between you and your family members. And while you may be busy enjoying your
bossy attitude, they will be busy looking for intimacy and confidants outside
you and the home. You reap what you sow.
2. True
love takes the initiative to woo or seduce the beloved:
The world around us is beset with actions that can hardly
build up trust and true devotion to one another. The effect is that most of us
now have distorted views about love and doubt the sincerity of it all even
though the real thing is still well embedded inside of our subconscious states.
So any genuine lover has a job to do; he has to try and correct the
misconceptions that might have built up in his beloved and try to prove that
the real thing is still beautiful and can be exhumed from our inside. That is
seduction.
The Israelites had lived a life of slavery in Egypt and as
such must be weary of human dignity, trust and intimacy even in their
relationship with God. And so to fulfill the love covenant he had with their
father Abraham, God had to rescue them and then led them to desert to try and
woo them again and clean the cobwebs of lack of trust, misconceptions and
infidelity they had learnt in Egypt since those habits were incompatible with
the love relationship he wanted to have with them. Such gesture was also
proposed by God during the time of Prophet Hosea when the people had so mingled
with idol worshippers and had lost the essence of a true fun-filled life. And
the Lord said, “I will lure them to the wilderness and speak to their
hearts” (Hosea 2:14).
Notice that the seduction is usually in the desert, in a
quiet and serene place where the heart can listen, can hunger, and is more
disposed to want to give your words the benefit of the doubt. Noisy clubhouses
and market places can hardly serve the purpose. Again, the wilderness
represents a place of aridity or dryness where one is thirsty for nourishment.
The thirst could be for water, food or shelter but in this case the longing has
to be for togetherness and intimacy.
And so, a serious lover must make sure he is worth longing
for. He has to be admirable in every sense of the word; decent, cultured and
respectable for this beloved to hunger for him. Presenting a dirty or
unimpressionable personality and expecting a decent lady to respond to one’s
seduction is akin to planting thistles and expecting to reap lily flower from a
garden.
In addition, flouting ephemeral things like money and
properties to lure a beloved may earn one a life of disappointment in future.
This is because material wealth, power and/or fame have no staying power to
sustain a relationship. Those things can go the way they came and the couple
will be forced to face just each other in the valley of their lives. Go for
friendship, compatibility and togetherness and see if both of you enjoy simply
being together.
If the wooer sees signs of these qualities in his beloved,
then he should go closer and court his object of admiration. So it is normal
for a man in love to try and woo his beloved and for a lady in love to quietly
and gracefully display her affections.
But doesn’t infatuation share this character with true
love? The two feelings desire their object and as such go on to seduce it,
which means that the wheat must be separated from the chaff.
3. True
love must be tested.
In the garden of Eden, the tree of the knowledge of good
and evil was planted appetizingly at the middle of the garden and the first
human creation were told not to eat it. That tree could have been kept in a
very obscure place away from the view of Adam and his wife, after all, the
Creator can do anything He wants. But He knew that for the love to be
authentic, it has to be spiced with trust which is the bedrock of obedience and
reciprocity. He cannot be the only lover in the relationship neither does he
want to force response from them. They should display their loyalty by
believing His words. Unfortunately, they failed that primal test and we are
paying for that unfaithfulness till today.
So was Abraham tested when he was asked to offer his only
son Isaac as a sacrifice and so are many of us tested now and again to know whether
our love and belief in Him is genuine in action or mere rhetoric? If we are
going through a difficult time or our prayers are not immediately answered, who
knows whether our own love and faithfulness are being tested?
It therefore means that what we suspect to be love must be
tested despite the euphoria the relationship is giving us. Test your partner’s
loyalty, test her trust in you and let her test you, test her honesty and
sincerity and make sure she loves you the way you are and not for what you have
but be discreet about it. Don’t suffocate each other with doubts and undue
inquisitiveness because that in itself, might be an indication of lack of trust
even without a proper reason for it. Besides, that might even end a
relationship that might have thrived. Let time help to sort out issues.
4. True
love gives:
True love self-donates; it gives whatever will make the
beloved happy without counting the cost and freely gives until there is nothing
more to give.
The greatest manifestation of God’s love is that He gave
His only begotten Son to save His people. And that Son in his own capacity so
loved his father that he obeyed Him to the last and so loved us that He
sacrificed Himself for us.
True love should be able to sacrifice time, comfort and
even some personal need for the sake of the beloved. And not only in man and
woman relationship is this asked for; it is equally needed in communitarian
love for one another. God and parents are perfect examples to learn this trait
from.
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