MARRIED LOVE
Properly formed marriage has already been discussed and
seen to be a symbol of the love covenant between God and man. It therefore
should typify what we discussed in genuine love but with added responsibilities
imposed on it by reason of irrevocability and procreation. These added responsibilities
make the marriage love a bit more complex because effort is being made by the
couples to sustain the intimacy between them on one hand, and the intimate
union now shoots out its tentacles to accommodate so many others, the chief of
which are the children, on the other hand.
UNDULATING STAGES
The initial stage of a marriage freely entered into usually
is characterized by emotional high or excitement, which is carried over from
the courtship stage and a sense of accomplishment and contentment. These
usually last up to the first three years.
Then comes the eye-opening stage when the couple begins to
see each other for who they really are. During courtship, they may have been
seeing each other mostly during dating periods and prolonged close encounter is
in most cases not feasible and even not very advisable if one wants to keep
unholy sex outside the affair. This means that certain parts of oneself can
still be hidden until this stage. (This issue certainly throws a challenge to
us all to try to bolster friendships that is both intimate and holy as
discussed in my book on sexuality titles, ‘My Sweetheart, My Bride’).
Again, the babies start coming with their demands and life becomes generally
hectic and a routine. The excitement therefore dwindles and a sense of duty and
hopefully friendship takes over the feelings up to the next five to ten years.
The woman is saddled with the drudgery of pregnancy and baby sitting and as
such might not be well disposed for getting a paid job. If she does, the stress
of having to coordinate all aspects of her family life can be quite challenging
particularly if her husband is not readily available or willing to partake in
the domestic work.
This can be a trying period for a lot of couples;
accusations concerning lack of care, arguments about money, interference from
in-laws and problems from kids, all add up to take toll on this couple. This is
equally when many couples nurse the idea of running away from the relationship
and the thoughts fuels their aggression.
This partly explains why a lot of marriages hit the rocks
in the thirties of many couples. The man suddenly starts feeling that the woman
is not as attractive as she used to be, that she nags too much and has refused
to understand him and his work schedule or that her lifestyle is completely
incompatible with his or yet again, she has no time for him anymore.
This woman on her part, feels saddled with too much
responsibility and blames the man for not playing his own role in the affair,
feels abandoned and unappreciated by the man. She feels cheated on her career
prospect; the man is fulfilling himself in his job and social status while she
is being bogged down with baby making and house keeping. I dare say that more
than half of broken marriages would be spared if couples are groomed and
enlightened about his stage of marital life; what to expect and how to manage
it.
Every couple in the baby making stage of life should sit
down and consider the following:
1. How
many babies do they want and how long will it take to nurse them to school age?
2. During
this period, do they want the wife to stay at home and take care of the home
and kids or to combine that with some kind of work?
3. If
she has to work, what kind of job can she engage herself in and be able to
donate enough time to the children and home?
4. If
she won’t work, is the man willing and well disposed to financially cater for
the home and her personal needs?
5. If
not, and she has to work, is the man ready to partake in the house chores and
care of the children?
6. How
do they blend all these with their social life and being together to nurture
their relationship?
7. How
do you intend to space the children giving that contraceptive methods not open
to life most often subject the couple to some heinous crime such as murder
against the unborn child?
Taking time to answer these questions together and being
patient with the tasking stage will certainly stem the tide of separation that
characterizes this stage of married life. And even when separation does not
happen, the feeling of neglect and loneliness that most couple complain about
during this stage will be taken care of. If the partners understand that what
they are going through is normal and can be enjoyable; if the woman appreciates
that her prime responsibility is to be the heart and warmth of the home; if the
man knows that the mandate to love his wife is proven in the level of sacrifice
he is ready to make the family happy and if both of them will just be patient
with themselves and their situation in their married life, then all will
eventually be well. Yes indeed, getting pregnant, having healthy babies and
watching them grow is a period of participating in an ongoing miracle of human
creation and growth. No couple should take it for granted or regard the stage
as wasted stage in human endeavor. It is often taken for granted because it is
a free gift to all but ask those who have not had the experience in their
married life and they will tell you that it ranks much higher than their career
in their list of life desires.
Beside the responsibility of making and rearing babies, 5
to 10 years into married life is usually when the masks we put on to hide certain
aspects of our life begin to wear off. Many of us have failed to realize that
absolute and honest mutual revelation – the type John Powell calls gut-level
communication, is a fundamental prerequisite for the maturity of friendship and
human love. So we run away from our unpleasant past and wish that they be
washed away from our life. But their effects do not completely get buried; they
continue to haunt us consciously or unconsciously and influence our present
actions and behaviors. Unless our partner understands what’s driving us, we
might drive each other crazy and even break the marriage before getting a
chance to reflect on what has been at the bedrock of our problems.
Knowing what responsibilities to give priority to, taking
time to be literally naked before each other and expect our partners to be
non-judgmental about the issues we raise and being patient enough to let trying
periods of one’s marriage to pass are some of the key issues that will stem the
tide of marital separation and usher us into the next stage of married life.
Then comes the third stage when they are forced by the
responsibilities facing them to focus less on themselves and concentrate on
building up their career and training up the children. The children are quite
grown enough to help with house chores and caring for themselves and they are
now beginning to nurse their own ambitions and goals in life. The parents
themselves now realize that if they don’t put in their best at this stage of
their career, they may lose out on realizing their potentials in life. So
there’s hard work and positive thinking for everyone. Less energy is therefore
left for quarrels and the thought of ending the relationship. Friendship and
occasional efforts at rekindling intimacy characterize this phase.
Then comes the fourth stage when the children are leaving
home for higher institutions, or for their own home and the parents begin to
find more time for each other. The love that has been pushed aside for more
pressing problems now find time and room for re-awakening and this is like the
second honeymoon period of a married life. Very matured quiet, lots of
friendship and interdependence on each other typify this stage, which goes
until the marriage is over.
With this we can see that the graph of the married love
initially rises, comes low and rises again and the constant factor should be
prayers, self-donation and willed intent to appreciate each other. And apart
from these, there are very strong factors, inherent and extraneous, which help
the couples to focus on one another rather than on what they are missing. And
they include:
1. Prayers: A
family that comes together regularly for prayer and reading of the scriptures
gets nourished from infancy and has ready answers for ugly thoughts and temptations
that may crop up any time in the relationship. Couples cannot go very far in
their relationship without trust and nothing builds trust better than knowing
that your partner has respect for God and his principles.
2. Friendship: We can’t talk enough about friendship and it grows with
association especially where the persons see themselves everyday and share the
same bedroom. In the room, differences can be discussed and sorted out,
intimacy can be oiled and the vacuum of loneliness is filled.
This bedroom issue is the reason why third parties will
beware when delving into the affairs of the married couples. You might think
that the offended party needs you to fight for her and you go ahead to do that,
only to discover that they may make up in the room and then turn you into a
common enemy. Incursions into married problems are sometimes very needful but
unbiased, diplomacy and caution must be applied.
3. Children: When all else seem to fail, the love and care of one’s
children are good enough reasons to just hang in there so as to provide the
balanced support of both parents for the proper upbringing of the children. No
mother worth that name will want to leave her children to care for them. The
pain of separation usually far outweighs the individual’s personal need and
unless the situation at home is most intolerable, the mother and importantly
too the father will just stay put for their sake. This mutual longing to be
with the children quite often help couples to sort out their differences and be
properly together again.
4. Companionship: We have already seen that the need for companionship was
acknowledged by the Creator Himself at the beginning of creation and we don’t
have to look far to see what loneliness does to people. Not everyone can summon
the courage to decide to go it all alone and it is not even a plus for a chaste
life if we want to face the fact that every once in a while, we will need
shoulders to lean on when confronted with the problems of life.
Incidentally, a lot of married couples feel lonely right in
their matrimonial homes; their partners are hardly there for them, they can’t
confide in each other and they seem to be mere co-tenants with common
responsibilities. Nobody should simply put up with this and let life be such a
drudgery for him or her. Get to the root of the problem and whatever is needful
to re-establish the intimacy you once had in that home. Life can only be lived
once and we should live it well with God as our guide.
5. Inertia: This
is the reluctance of anything or anybody to want to move from its original
position and upset the routine on ground. We all have some reasonable fear
about what the unknown may present and therefore opt for the bird in hand
rather than the two in the bush.
Force of inertia helps to keep a little lower the rate of
separation of couples but when stretched too far, it strips one of the zeal to
try and correct what is debarring him from having a good life at home. We
should try and balance stability with reasonable risks for progress to be made
in life. So hang in there but work at your marriage.
6. Mutual
interest: Marriage can merely present a fertile ground for a mutual
interest to thrive. The goal may to be present an acceptable front to gain
power or for business purposes. Two business partners may decide to make
permanent their relationship by coming together in marriage. They may not be in
love, may not even be great friends but they can talk with each other and the
project at hand will thrive better with the union, so they hit it off.
The problem with this kind of union is that the stimulus is
so ephemeral, impersonal and loveless that as soon as either of the partners
meets love or if the business crashes, the union will be in serious danger of
break up. Anyone who knows what marriage is all about and the responsibility it
poses on partners should never agree to this kind of affair. The mist will soon
clear from the eyes and the victim is filled with nothing but regret. Besides,
it is most unfair to bring up children in such a loveless atmosphere.
7. Extended
family: In the African setting and possibly others as well,
marriage is between two families and not just between the persons involved in
the affair. This fact is so carried on even after the marriage is consummated
that certain major decisions like separation or outright divorce may not be
carried out effectively without involving other family members. And anyone who
goes solo in that decision is usually treated as a rebel to the family to the
extent that those other members may go on and still retain a wife and her
children as members of their family while the rebellious one is left to please
himself. Extended family influence does enhance the bond in a marriage
particularly if all the members love the new wife to the family.
In a nutshell, married love is very much the same as the
genuine adult love except that instead of being singularly focused on the
partner, it stretches out to other significant persons involved in the
relationship. And rather than being a stress to the bond, those tentacles help
to enrich the relationship to such an extent that the home and (if well
integrated) even the extended family becomes a community of love. Thanks to
those factors that help to solidify the bond.
By and large, marriage with its complexity is a great gift
to mankind and it is the crown of most adult lives or the rose that ardors life
with its sweet fragrance. But the greatest crown that redeemed mankind had its
thorns just as beautiful roses have their own thorns and marriage is not left
out. What are those thorns in marriage?
For thorns in the crown, guide as to which way to go and
steps towards healing the home, do well to pick up the book from the stores or
download from okadabooks.com
But I can
almost hear someone scream 'Thorrrrns?!!'' And I will quickly interject with
this beautiful quote from Martin Deutinger thus: “how beautiful is … the
soul that yearns only to serve others in a beautiful and complete surrender of
self. How rich, how ingenious, how big and sublime is such at the same time!
Because she serves everybody, she is dear to everybody and is needed by all.
The fortunate one is not the ruler, but the servant alone. He who rules makes
demands; he who serves, gives. He who rules is rich on the outside and poor
within. He who serves is poor outside but rich within. Hence, a soul is
fortunate only when with all its power and with a higher motive in life, it can
serve somebody when in her yearning and stirring, the heavenly and eternal, the
heavenly and eternal king appears to her”.
Regrettably, however, many married couples do neither fully
appreciate the worth of this institution or crown nor the fact that it has
spikes. They dabble into it without caution and are naturally confronted with
their painful moan. Some will moan alright and then learn to avoid the thorns
and re-dedicate themselves to savouring the sweet fragrance of the rose. But
many others chicken out in their pain and swear never to get close to the rose
or the throne again little realizing that they will regret the action. They
will miss their rose and the dignity of their crown and what a pity if they let
that false move keep them longing ever after.
Pharm(Mrs)
May Ohaedoghasi
Culled
from Marriage A crown and A
rose
For
enquiries and seminars on marriage, sexuality and stress management
Write to mayohai35@gmail.com or call 08056704643
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