MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE—CHALLENGES AND CRISIS BY MRS MAY OHAEDOGHASI 08056704643;
mayohai35@gmail.com
PREVIEW
The discussion on
marriage and the family has never been an issue to be treated with kids gloves
because it is a discuss on the blood flow of life itself. And now the
importance has become even critical because the institution is in many cases,
being de-sacredised, abused and toyed with as people give it the various
interpretations it has assumed. Vows and pledges are reduced to ceremonial platitudes that are no longer worth more than
the paper on which they are written. People live- in together or have a child
together and christen themselves as married. Mindset is distorted and a man
suddenly believes he should be a woman and actually begin to ‘womanise’ himself
in the name of freedom of expression. Old paradigms are being questioned, and
the young and vibrant generations of youths
have become highly experimental with sex and sexuality.
The spread of these ills has become global because cultural ethos have been watered down
by racial intermingling and the importation of so called ‘’civilised culture’’
as superior and classy. And even some core traditional institutions like the
church have also become victims of radical re-interpretations of marriage, family
life, sexuality and sexual orientation. Pastors wed the same man or woman they
had wedded before with another person as soon as they produce a divorce paper.
In the beginning, the exchange of promise was “I do…till death do us part”. As the world progressed and domination
replaced co-operation, the words changed to “I do…till the man is fed up”. And with civilization and attendant
liberation, the women found their voice in many parts of the world and decided
to fight back, so the caption became “I
do…till we are both fed up”!
To this debate therefore, the overriding
question is: who sets the standard for the world to follow? How far can we go
in appropriating 21st century dynamics to the demands of the
Christian faith as enunciated in the Bible? It is against this background that we
intend to look at this very broad theme of marriage and family life.
Marriiage : Marriage, also called
matrimony or wedlock, is a socially or ritually recognised union between
spouses that establishes rights and obligations between those spouses, as well
as between them and any resulting biological or adopted children and affinity
(in-laws and other family through marriage).
Family : Family is
defined as a specific group of people that may be made up of partners,
children, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. An example of a
family is a set of parents living with their children. Family is the
group of people who share common ancestors. But the definition we want to use
here is that which defines family as a basic or fundamental social unit
comprising of both or single parents, children(biological or adopted) and
sometimes extended relatives.
Challenges: This is something
that test one’s strength or ability; something that is difficult and requires
some skill, effort and determination.
Crisis: A crisis is a
situation in which something or someone is affected by one or more very serious
problems.( that is according to dictionary .com). It is also a stage in a
sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for
better or for worse, is determined; turning point.(Dictionary .com).
The marriage act differs according to the
constitution of the people and the religion of the land. In the traditional
setting, the payment of the dowry mostly from the man’s to the woman’s family
but sometimes the other way round, climaxes the marriage ceremony.
In the civil setting, the exchange of consent
before witnesses, cemented by exchange of rings and signing of marriage
register legalizes the marriage act.
While in the religious set-up, prayers,
exchange of consent and sometimes rituals which most often is climaxed by
exchange of rings and invocation of God’s blessing by an ordained minister in the
presence of some witnesses, finalizes the marriage ceremonies.
In all settings, the marriage act is regarded
as legal and binding so long as the regulations are carried out as stipulated
in the local setting. The traditional marriage is binding on couples unless the
bride price is returned by the bride’s family for whatever reason. If accepted
by the groom, it means the marriage is terminated and the woman can remarry and
bear children for another man if she so wishes. In the civil law, once the
couple or even one of the parties can prove that the relationship is no longer
desirable, the marriage act is dissolved by a court order called divorce.
In the religious setting also, marriage may be
nullified according to the laws guiding each religion. The Islamic religion
toes the line of the Jews and can grant divorce if the man gets tired of the
relationship. But the Christians are not so free as Christ himself has declared
in Mt. 19:3-9. Check out the details under Christian marriage.
Types of marriage
The type,
functions, and characteristics of marriage vary from culture to culture, and
can change over time. In general there are three types: civil marriage,
traditional and religious marriage, and typically marriages employ a
combination of the three (religious marriages must often be licensed and
recognized by the state, and conversely civil marriages, while not sanctioned
under religious law, are nevertheless respected). Marriages between people of
differing religions are called interfaith marriages, while marital conversion,
a more controversial concept than interfaith marriage, refers to the religious
conversion of one partner to the other's religion for sake of satisfying a
religious requirement.
Americas and Europe
In the Americas and Europe, in the 21st
century, legally recognized marriages are formally presumed to be monogamous
(although some pockets of society accept polygamy socially, if not legally, and
some couples choose to enter into open marriages). In these countries, divorce
is relatively simple and socially accepted. In the West, the prevailing view
toward marriage today is that it is based on a legal covenant recognizing
emotional attachment between the partners and entered into voluntarily.
In the West, marriage has evolved from a
life-time covenant that can only be broken by fault or death to a contract that
can be broken by either party at will. Other shifts in Western marriage since
World War I include:
•There emerged a preference for maternal
custody of children after divorce, as custody was more often settled based on
the best interests of the child, rather than strictly awarding custody to the
parent of greater financial means.
•Both spouses have a formal duty of
spousal support in the event of divorce (no longer just the husband)[clarification
needed]
•Out of wedlock children have the same
rights of support as legitimate children
•In most countries, rape within marriage
is illegal and can be punished
•Spouses may no longer physically abuse
their partners and women retain their legal rights upon marriage.
•In some jurisdictions, property acquired
since marriage is not owned by the title-holder. This property is considered
marital and to be divided among the spouses by community property law or
equitable distribution via the courts.
•Marriages are more likely to be a product of mutual love, rather than
economic necessity or a formal arrangement among families.
Asia and Africa
Key facts concerning the marriage law in
Africa and Asia:
• Marital
rape is legal in most parts Africa and Asia alike.
• Child
marriage is legal in most parts of Africa and Asia alike.
• Arranged
marriage is prevalent in many parts of Africa and Asia alike, especially in
rural regions.
• Same-sex
marriage is illegal in most parts of Africa and Asia alike.
• Polygamy
is legal in many parts of Africa and Asia, but tends to be illegal in most
Communist countries and legal in most Muslim countries
• Divorce
is legal in all parts in Africa and Asia, but wives seeking divorce have fewer
legal rights than husbands in Muslim countries than in Communist countries.
• Dowries
are a traditional aspect of marriage customs in most rural regions of Africa
and Asia alike.
All these
variants influence perceptions, challenges and beauty or otherwise of marriages
and they all to varying extents, contribute to the chaos that the contemporary
world faces in the institution of marriage and family life.
Christian
Marriage
Marriage
is a sacrament; a sign of God with us.
God’s Prescription
About
Marriage
From
the diagrams we can see the various
forms of triangle human plunge themselves into and reap whatever seed they get
in the process.
In
Fig 1, man and his woman bond together and occupy one edge of the triangle;
love and God occupy the remaining two and the triangle is sealed. Grace drops
down from God to maintain the bond and keep love aglow. Marriage is complete with the consent of the
parties including God because his prescription is being maintained. The fruit
of the marriage stay in the center for nurturance and growth, and when matured,
drop off to go build their own homes and the gap closes up to protect the seal.
In
Fig 2 God is absent. Traditional rites replaces God, and even though love may
have been there initially, there is no staying power because man made dictates
are often lopsided in its application and equity content.
In
Fig 3, God is present, expediency is the motivation for the marriage in the
first place and just like in figure 2 where God was not even in the equation,
cankerworms are allowed to in to distract the partners or divide their loyalty
and so the oneness is not truly effected. These two figures are the breeding
ground for the situation of co-tenants with the same responsibilities and maybe
assets.
Study
Fig 4 Shows how the man leaves his place just like in the reproductive process
in figure 5, goes after or even fights for the woman, wins her over and then
join in marriage and then come to the irrevocable garden of warm embrace where
all kinds of beautiful fruits and spices are born. The steps: the man goes to
the woman, the woman fills the hole or emptiness in the life of the man, the
man leaves his old family and fills the hole in the life of his wife, the woman
drops her reservations and some personal plans for a mutually beneficial one
and they properly fuse to be seen as an entity. Any crack in any of these steps
cannot make foe proper stability.
Fig
6: if they are male-male or female-female they can never fill the emptiness in
each other lives because there is no cleavage and the fruits from there if any,
cannot grace the society with its aroma. They will be too damaged to have flavours.
Only
those in Fig 1 and 4 are positioned to echo the words of Solomon thus:
My
sweetheart, my bride, is a secret garden,
A
walled garden, a private spring;
There
the plants flourish.
......................
Myrrh
and aloes grow there with all the most fragrant perfumes.
Sgs4:12-14
In this garden of warm embrace where the love
of the Creator surpasses every other consideration, all kinds of holy fruits
are produced which include in-depth peace and joy, prayerfulness (which the
incense symbolizes), prosperity and a life that is both healthy and preserving.
Myrrh and aloes are both healing and preserving herbs, which help the users to
keep truly alive.
And so marriage in the Catholic Christian
setting is officially recognised when the church witnesses it and is invited to
be part of its journey. In this setting, its sacramental nature is expounded
before and after the ceremony, the responsibilities and challenges are brought
to the fore and prepared for, and God naturally takes His position in the new
domestic church. This is the most concrete anti-dote to the chaos that the
world faces in life of marriages and family life today. But who and how can we
this sell this carrot in a world that is drunk with the right to freedom?
The Preparation
Every worthwhile venture is prepared for, how much more lifelong ones
like marriage, religious and priestly vocations.
Preparation for marriage begins from childhood upbringing. What you put
in determines, to a great extent what you get out.
Then the youth related societies should be vehicles to build ideologies
about life vocations and commit to defend them. Ideology is a set of beliefs
that influences the way you think.
Issues
that must be resolved before marriage is ventured into
Why were
marriages preserved in the yesteryears than now even when the couples hardly
agreed on anything or were stricken with severe poverty? Why are families in so
much turmoil today? What does it mean to head the home and love the wife like
Christ loved the church? How do you marry the submission of the woman( Eph
5:21-33) and Homes are built by the wisdom of the woman and torn down by foolishness
Prov14:1? Why are ladies not too keen on getting married early now like it
used to be in not too distant past? How do you marry the need to be fulfilled
career-wise with submission and running the home? How do you choose your life
partner- by passion evoked, by beauty and achievement, by religious affiliation
or level of spirituality, etc? Is there still need to wed after traditional and
court marriages? When can you be said to be married- after traditional or court
marriage; after church wedding or as soon as you begin to live together and
make babies? What does it mean to proclaim; ‘ Darling, I have kept for you the old and new delights’ Sgs . “Therefore a man shall leave his father
and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh(Gen2:24 ; Eph 5:31).
The marriage can’t happen without the declaration of consent (Catechism #1625 - 1631)
before God and His Church. How does it defer from other consents in other forms
of marriage.
Courtship is about analysing these quotes of
Solomon:
“ Let me come in my darling ” Sgs
5:2b
“ Come… my darling come ”Sgs 4:8
“ Come to me, my lover like a
gazelle, like a young stag on the mountains where spices grow”Sgs 8:14
“
Catch the foxes, the little foxes, before they ruin our vineyard in
bloom”.Sgs2:15
Keeping
these issues until pre-marriage counseling classes is almost too late because
by then, choices have been made, candidates are already traditionally married
and some ladies are already pregnant.
Factors necessary for
a good marriage and family life
1.Grace—Let God name
your family (Eph 3:14 your true family name comes from Him)
2.Maturity and
Schooled emotions
3 Good foundation (must have
resolved the issues stated earlier)
4.Friendship and
trust
5Consent backed by
informed decision and freedom
4. Love (haven for
fullness of love: agape, filial and Erotic)/Commitment
5. Good communication
skills
6Chastity: Darling, I have kept the old and new
delights for you Sgs7:13s
7. Knowing the word
and your responsibility
8, Financial Stability(
and declaring one’s own standard of needs and wants)
9.Perceptions and
traditions ( An invitation to love our closest neighbor the way God loves us
unconditionally, taking the pathway that may be filled with thorns and stones
but oiled with continual forgiveness, tolerance and pruning and nonetheless,
focused on maintaining a safe haven, healthy garden with beautiful fruits for
here and eternity.)
10.Basic counseling
and conflict resolution tips
11. Respect and know Gender
Roles
12. Children
Upbringing(adaptability skills as generational issues change)
Challenges of marriage and family
Life itself is a process of continuous
challenges, ups and downs and risks. And challenges should add spice to life
and motivate one to do more thinking , prayers and actions. But when it becomes
overwhelming and chokes the joy of living, it becomes a source of concern and
should be addressed immediately. In marriage and family life, some of the
challenges are definitely preventable if one is trained to prevent them or to
navigate them when they surface.
In marriage, more often than not, we focus
too much on things- dowry, scope of wedding ceremony, physical gifts, tribe-
things that make life comfortable. They are good but they are comforts, not
life. Life is breath, an invisible force that is felt and only the heart can
‘touch it’. Adam had all the beauties in Eden including gold and precious
stones(Gen 2:10-14), but it was only when he saw Eve that he exclaimed: ‘’
Heart of my heart….!’’. Connection, chemistry oneness. But they were virgins at life; no experiences to
draw from although they could have trusted more and obe yed. But for us, no excuses.
Factors that can challenge:
1.Faulty foundation,
2.Inefficient communication skills,
3. Finances, poor economy (principles and
standards) Not applying divine principles
4. Unskilled emotions, (NURTURE BRAIN AND CHARACTER BK)
5.Discordant perceptions and ideology
about marriage, Getting to steer each other along God’s plan- not society’s or
tradition’s plan in the case of conflict) The word and The Cross are stds.
6. Incursions of extended family,
7.Illhealth and willingness or otherwise
to serve ( Search for opinions or nature cure)
8. Death in the family(emotional and
social factors)
9.Children upbringing – now critical ( Get A Cool Guy Book)
10.Presumptions sins(infidelity….); un -forgiveness
11.Selfishness, disrespect and
Insensitivity
12.Sexuality issues( stress, chronic
anger, low esteem, medictns are factors)My Sweet heart Bk
13. Dis- regard for or lack of faith in
God and His word(Isaiah 59:1)
Crisis In Marriage And Family
A marriage
crisis typically occurs when an unusual amount of stress or unresolved conflict
causes the level of anxiety to become too intense for the couple to manage. As
a result, anger, resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration and hopelessness take
control of the relationship. The couple typically continues the negative
interactions – or disengages completely from one another, and the relationship
shuts down. This is when an existing normal marriage runs into a big
problem. Again, marriage as an institution can go into crisis when the basic
fabrics that make up a marriage are attacked.
Factors that constitute crisis
include:
1Permisiveness and unbridled freedom
2.Absence of Friendship and sense of
oneness(most are already psychologically separated)
3.
Unchastity: Chastity
helps to heal and preserve the society.(Eph 5:3-shouldnt even be mentn
4. Same sex marriage (Check out debate and
issues on this in MY SWEETHEART BK
5. Childlessness and male child issue
4.Twisted
Ideology about marriage.
5. Not keeping God in His position in the
equation.
Healing Tips
1. If not yet married, prepare
well.
2. If married, get your bars down to adjust to God’s ideology: 2 –made-1
reality that must be kept alive by the
factors already stated.
3. Learn the
liberating truth that love is not necessarily
passionate(details in my book; Marriage A Crown and A rose). It is a willed
intention of the heart. So you can choose to love someone even if your feelings
or circumstances are not in favour of it.
4. Forgiveness as your gateway to
obtaining the things you pray for in the family ( The Holy Fr, Pope Francis
treatise on this should be digested) Eph 4:17-32
5.Maturity, Schooled Emotions, Principles, Character, Knowing Who You Are
and godliness matter. (Rape in
marriage is hated by God 1Thess 4-5; no lustful desire but honour each other)
6. If widowed, toe the path of divine love.
Never replace your spouse without your children’s consent. Team up with people and groups like Women Of Divine Love
Group(07063592467)
7. Parenting, teaching by lived example shouts better than your
words. Never segregate or show favoritism. St Monica had other children beside
St Augustine, Perpetua and Navigius who were religious, but the prodigal
eventually impacted the world.
8. Childlessness and male child issue: Billings method; Reproductive
technology; Adoption
Joseph and mary had
publicly declared that they will be man and wife. After which they will go
apart for one year for preparations. Mt 1: 20-21) He had the option of
denouncing her and letting her be taken out to be stoned, or to receive a
letter of dismissal from the husband and
then sent away. Joseph pondered all these and chose not to have her
killed BCOS HE WAS JUST, EMPATHIC AND GOD FEARING. That was the license that
he needed to be a collaborator with God
in the salvific process of man.
When he had taken the
merciful path, God who is love and mercy, now came to him through the
messenger, and asks him to as the father of Yeshua (God saves) to adopt his son
and make him fully his own. By Jewish tradition an adopted child is recognized
and given all the privileges and rights
of a biological child. Yeshua God
saves; Emmanuel -- God is with us. Had to be used to prove that.. Adoption is
begun by the Almighty Himself and so when we pray for the barren using the
promise of God that there will be no barren woman in Hebrew land (Exod 23:26)
know that adoption is not out of the picture. It is biblical, it is heavenly,
it is a service to the society, to God and to yourself.
9.Voice
of Silence; learn to listen to it. And in silence and trust shall ur
strength be(Is 30:15)
10. Live
the word; don’t just read or know it.
WHO PROPAGATES THIS IDEOLOGY
All hands must be on
deck and urgently too.
1. Parents, Guardians
and Mentors
2. All Youth
Organisations
3. Family Counselling
Units( Pre and Post marriage)
4. C M O & CWO
5. Societies like
Sacred Heart, Charismatics, Ethnic based groups.
6. Priests and
Homilies especially whenever the readings have
anything(no matter how remote) to do with marriage and families. Priests
should always remember that most cases that come to them about marriage
relationship or children upbringing are already on the verge of crisis and so
whatever is said at that point can tilt the table to a particular direction.
For all these to be
meaningful, self-scripting has to be the foundation. ‘’What you do shouts so
much that I can’t hear what you are saying’’ is a quote I hold very highly.
Children and youths naturally adopt the lifestyle and cultural beliefs of whoever
impresses them most.
Max Bladeck( one of
the followers and mentees of Frank Buchman) said, ‘’ I saw that if I wanted to
have a part in creating a new world order, I had to start with myself. That
meant a revolutionary transformation of my living and thinking . I had to put
things right in my family, in the mines and all those within my circle of
influence. If I can change, then anyone in the world can change’’. From
personal transformation, we move to mentoring others within our circle of
influence and using every opportunity to throw in a word without being too
preachy. Consistent subtle aggression is necessary because the kingdom of God
within us here is suffering violence and the violent will have to take it back
by ‘force’. Non-violent force!
In Conclusion, the
married life (with its challenges) is the life for which we are created by the
Almighty. He never says there will no rainfall and slippery mud, neither did He
say that love which He enjoins all to embrace is merely a passionate longing
that blinds out the sense of reason and breeds selfishness and sexual urges.
Love which is the bedrock of the family life and indeed all vocations is
beautiful, but laced with sacrifices, disappointments and hurts; and those are
not ballroom dances. But they shouldn’t clip the joy out of the life
completely. If they do, then there is a
crisis- a fundamental is being toyed with- and that crisis must not be ignored.
What He says is ‘’learn from me, trust and obey me’’ And His mandate is clear from
the beginning: leave your father and
mother and cleave(bond) to your wife; multiply; subdue the earth but avoid the
forbidden fruits. And they are not too hard to do if we tune down our pace
and learn to listen to the voice of silence- the still small voice- and run to
him whenever the journey gets tough. He has a way of wielding in and calming
the stormy wind.
So if the life has
turned chaotic, if the fire the father gave the child is beginning to burn the
child’s finger, it means the child is not holding the stick properly. Let him
go to the primary instructions and all will be well. Let the Church, by word
and lived experiences; beam the light in that direction!!
May we be humble
enough to listen and to obey.
Thank you for this
opportunity.
Mayohaiworks.blogspot.com
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